


maybe tomorrow, i'll be able to love you

by cocomoraine



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, Eventual Romance, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Loop, author is horrible at tagging, i'll never learn, trigger warning for, unbeta'ed because I don't want to be a bother, well for a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-05-30 17:03:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19407592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocomoraine/pseuds/cocomoraine
Summary: Time and physics have always fascinated Valery Legasov. Atoms and molecules all move under the same dimension of time and obeys the laws of physics. Ulana Khomyuk can also agree and offer her opinion.Boris Shcherbina does not. But he does have a steady grasp on time. A time that is slipping away from him, fast.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (aka the time loop fic trope, because I want to fck with them more)
> 
> 1\. Goddamn, I am now reading things about time loops, the theory of relativity, paradoxes, what has my life become into anyway?  
> The title is from the English translation of a classic love song here in our country, well, the closest translation I can do. HSHSHS.
> 
> 2\. Warning for the gratuitous use of lines and script information from the fifth episode, "Vichnaya Pamyat", which does not belong to me. It all belongs to overlord Craig Mazin. No copyright infringement intended; all are used for pure entertainment and creative reasons. 
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed because like I said, I don't want to be a bother. All mistakes are mine alone.
> 
> 4\. Again, this concerns the HBO characters. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> Here y'all go!

1.

“Talk to Shcherbina.”

“Shcherbina is in Kiev. I haven’t heard from him in--”

“He returned to Moscow an hour ago, or so I’ve been told.”

***

Shcherbina sometimes has the strongest urge to just drink a whole bottle, hoping he’ll never wake up, yet now here he sits alongside Legasov, on their way to a trial who’s judgement has already been passed. 

He turned to look at Valery, his face haunted and he looked years _older_ than the first time Boris laid eyes on him at the boardroom, him spitting out facts, untamed, unstoppable. Like a bullet.

They are both worn down by many things, and they both couldn’t help but think they are on their way to a death sentence.

***

“It all began with, of all things, a safety test--”

The words all blur inside him. He may be distantly aware he is flailing the paper holding Bryukhanov, Dyatlov, and Fomin’s credentials around while he continued to explain how the _fuck_ a nuclear reactor works, _goddamn these people, they have more than 16 reactors like these, yet they have no idea how these work. Some career Party men they are, just like me._

_Before Valera came to my life._

Boris could only laugh inside his head. _I am a changed man. Valera changed me. How quaint._

He turned a side eye to the three when he concluded his statement. Ulana rising up to give hers. He tried to catch Valery’s eyes as he walked back to the side.

_You taught me well, Valera._

But Valery’s eyes never met his. He only turned to see the reactions of the judges. Then turned to stare resolutely at Ulana.

Ulana’s calm, collected voice filled the courtroom. “To understand what happened that night, we have to look back ten hours earlier.”

***

The clock continued ticking. Boris wanted everything to be over, but that would mean giving up Valery. So now, he is not sure of what he wants anymore. 

“Comrade Legasov.”

Valery stood up, fixing his tie ( _fix your tie!)._ And slowly, walked up to the podium, cards held tightly in his hand. Boris wanted anything but to see Valery fighting for fear in front of so many people. He is a strong man, so does Valery, but now, he may think this might be the time they will finally be forced into their knees. He never knew, will never ask of it, of what Valery will say today at the trial. He tried to reason with him, approach the situation as calmly as possible, avoiding the part that will piss off the KGB, because the last thing Boris wanted to happen is for _him to be shot._ Ulana tried her version, but it still sounded so sacrificing of Valery’s life that until now, he can feel some sort of rage for the woman sitting next to him, but _she has a point._ Both of them never knew what Valery’s decisions are. The only way to find out it to listen to him now.

That would not be a problem for Boris, even if he is now fighting the cough coming along his throat, he could listen to Valery all day, but now, every word he will utter is a bullet that can be shot right back at him without any warning. 

_And the only thing you can ever wish at the moment is not to be shot._

“You don't need to be a nuclear scientist to understand what happened at Chernobyl. You only need to know this: there are essentially two things that happen inside a nuclear reactor--”

***

“I wasn’t even there.”

All eyes turned to Dyatlov, _the nerve!_

“What?”

“I wasn’t in the room when they raised the power.”

Valery, always that brave, curious, self-sacrificing man he is, began to rebut every statement Dyatlov gave.

Stephasin raises his voice to remind Valery of who he is inside this room, what is his role today, and what line is the one he should not dare cross.

Boris finally let the cough out. Unstoppable, in the force of radiation sickness. That one already won over him a long time ago.

He stood up and briskly made his way out of the courtroom. He didn’t see Valery’s eyes finally following and zeroing on him.

***

“Everything we asked for, everything we needed. Men. Material. Lunar rovers? Who else could have done these things? They heard me, but they listened to you. Of all the ministers and all the deputies-- the entire congregation of obedient fools-- they mistakenly sent us the one good man.”

“For god's sake, Boris-- you were the one who mattered the most.”

Boris didn’t deserve Valery’s absolution. He didn’t think he does. 

He looked at the caterpillar in his fingers, a stark contrast of the dying land he introduced to Valery at the start of their talk. 

“It is beautiful.”

***

“1:23 and 45 seconds, explosion.”

Chernobyl finally gave its sentence to all men and women. _The chain of disaster is now complete._

_***_

_If we go down, we go down together._

_If the bullet hits your skull, what would it matter why?_

Boris thought the KGB was merciful. But he did retract that statement when he found out the severity of it all, when Valery was led into the car, then just passing them by, without even a proper goodbye.

Boris wanted to _die._ They may not have shot Valery that day, but they already killed him. And the Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers. 

Ulana was silently crying beside him. He couldn’t summon the energy to comfort her.

Between tears, she silently said to him, a hand on his arm, _firm grip,_ “It’s time.”

Time for what? _You know what, I don’t even care._ He just walked away, leaving Ulana to her thoughts. 

He went to his home, still the same fucking house, drank an entire bottle of vodka, and forced himself to sleep.

Maybe in his dreams, he could have that goodbye.

2.

The sun peeks through the curtains. Boris was expecting a massive headache, a ringing telephone, a demanding General Secretary asking him things and summoning him at once to the Kremlin, a Charkov taunting him, a KGB breaking down his apartment to arrest him, all of these, but none of that is happening to him right now.

His head actually feels fine. He went up to his closet, tried to look for something to wear down for breakfast, when a knock came to his door. _Probably Masha, terrified, for another man in a suit is down there, asking for me._

“Come in.”

Masha poked her head from the door. “Sir. Should I bring up your suit, or you’ll be having breakfast first?”

“Why would I need my suit? The Kremlin is not summoning me, anyway, and it’s a Sunday.”

“Sir?”

He turned around at the sound of Masha’s questioning voice. He raised his eyebrows.

“What?” Is there someone down there looking for me, asking that I should make my way to the Kremlin right now?”

“Sir. Today is the trial you said you’ll be attending. Comrade Charkov dropped a while ago, early in the morning, to remind me to say to you, that the trial will be proceeding as planned today, at Chernobyl. I didn’t wake you up because you might be tired because of your travel from Kiev.”

Boris can only stutter his thoughts, because, clearly, things are not making sense.

“Masha. What date are we in?”

Masha looked hopelessly lost, but answered nonetheless. “It’s July 18, 1987, sir. And today is the trial at Chernobyl.”

_What the fuck._

***

Boris rode again at the same car, with Valery, still lost in his own thoughts. Boris still couldn’t believe his own eyes. _Dreaming. I must be dreaming, I am still at home, drunk as I could probably manage. Or I am already dead._

Boris looked at Valery as if he is seeing a ghost. The ride was the same as how it happened, yesterday, _was it even yesterday?_

He wanted to reach out to touch Valery, but only managed to land his fingers at the sleeve of Valery’s coat. The same blue coat.

Valery looked at him in an instant. Whatever phrase he’s going to say died down when he saw the face Boris is having.

A few minutes, then.

“Boris. Are you alright?”

Boris cannot find himself to answer. He only held into Valery’s coat sleeve tighter.

Valery’s eyes immediately went soft. His hands hover around Boris’. But it never got to touch. “We’ll never know what will happen, but I am here, Boris. Always.”

***

“Viktor Bryukhanov, Anatoly Dyatlov, and Nikolai Fomin are accused of violating Article 220 Section 2 of the Criminal Code of the Soviet Union resulting in a nuclear disaster on April 26, 1986. The State calls witnesses Comrade Khomyuk of the Byelorusian Nuclear Institute, Comrade Legasov of the Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy, and Comrade Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina, Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers and head of the Bureau for Fuel and Energy.”

He was not able to stand right away as he did yesterday. Only with a silent “Comrade” from Stepashin, and a gentle nudge from Ulana, did he stood up.

He was walking up to the miniature model of a nuclear power plant, terrified, with the thought that he does not know what he is going to say.

All eyes are on him now.

Only his strong willpower, and the fact he is speaking fluently and confidently as the day before, is what preventing Boris from fainting on the spot when he realized the moment he opened his mouth, the words came out automatically, as if he was reading from a script.

He was horrified that he DO knows what to say, after all.

***

The cough was staining the perfectly white handkerchief, Boris couldn’t care less. He saw Valery walking towards him, _please tell me I’m just having a hallucination for the amount of alcohol I had last night._

_But he is real. His voice is real._ He can feel his warmth from the side, them talking again, on this bench, in this city.

“For god’s sake, Boris. You were the one who mattered the most.”

_Not again. I don’t deserve absolution, Valera._

The caterpillar still found it’s way on his fingers.

“It is beautiful.”

This time, he is certain that he was not talking about the caterpillar alone. 

***

“Let him finish!”

He didn’t feel less victorious the last time he did it. 

Valery’s eyes still carried the same emotion. 

Boris can only sit down, and watch Valery burn down all the lies and rise from the ashes as a beacon of truth, while burying himself under the earth.

***

KGB wasn’t kinder this time around. Boris could never believe at himself for thinking on the first time around, _what the fuck, is this even possible,_ that the KGB was even kinder to both of them.

He helplessly watched the car take Valery away. _No goodbyes, still._

Ulana was still silently crying beside him. Boris still couldn’t summon the energy to comfort her.

Ulana put a hand on his arm, then said, through tears, “We can try--”

Boris stormed to her, “Try what? The KGB is already in our heels, Ulana. Whatever we are going to do from here are limited. Our hands are tied. They sent Valery into his own personal exile. And we also have our own.”

He walked off, hoping his anger and resentment is enough to crush this cruel reenactment of his own punishment. _I brought this upon myself._

He didn’ turned around and saw Ulana’s eyes watching him, then bowed her head in a silent nod. 

3.

“Sir. Should I bring up your suit, or you’ll be having breakfast first?”

_This is the fucking third time around. Or is it?_

“What is the date today, Masha?”

“July 18, 1987.”

***

Ulana was walking towards the podium when he feels the cough comes. He managed a few silent ones, before abruptly standing and walking out of the courtroom, Ulana’s voice fading.

No one followed him outside.

***

“Do you know anything about this town? Chernobyl?”

Boris didn’t even feel his throat close up from repeating the same lines, for three straight days already. _If I am in an alcohol induced coma, this is not the dream I want to keep on having. Maybe they should just let me die._

“Not really, no.”

Until that moment, Boris refused to meet Valery’s eyes when he said the word beautiful. He never found the courage.

***

“And that is how an RBMK reactor explodes. Lies.”

Boris cannot even feel some sense of pride for Valery. He can only feel dread.

***

His eyes are wet with unshed tears as the car drove away from them. Ulana, _again,_ silently crying beside him. This time, he turned to her and enveloped her in his arms.

He can feel her tears wetting his coat. 

_How many times do I have to lose him before I can finally wake up? Or just die?_

“Boris, we can try--”

“Stop. There is nothing we could do.”

4.

“July 18, 1987. And today is the trial at Chernobyl.”

***

Boris just wanted to shoot himself in the head. But he didn’t have a gun right now, and Valery was sitting beside him. He decided to do another thing different this time.

“Valera. I think something is wrong.”

Valery turned to him, eyebrows scrunched up, face filled with concern. “Are you feeling unwell, Boris? Or is this about something else entirely.”

“I think, I am--”

He never got to finish the statement, as they arrived at Chernobyl, and was escorted out of the car.

Valery put a steady hand in his arm, gave it a light squeeze. 

“We’ll be fine. I hope.”

Boris knows all too well how this will end. He cannot find solace in Valery’s words, and warmth.

***

Boris was considering to just go across the room, and punch the judge straight to his face when he said Valery is crossing now on dangerous territory. They are all on _fucking dangerous_ territory right now. _Because of our secrets and lies! That is what practically defines us! When the truth_ _offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it's still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth._

_Sooner or later, that debt is paid._

As Valery practically raised his voice telling that, it was also the same thing running on Boris’ head. 

***

When Valery was escorted outside, he left Ulana’s side and made his way to him. The agents appear bristled, but otherwise, let him approach Valery. 

_So far, so good._

Valery looked up into him, speechless.

“Nothing smart to say, Valera?” His voice is so low it can only be heard by the two of them. Even if they can hear them, Boris thought maniacally, _I don’t care._

Valery smiled, albeit small. “Boris,”

Boris’ heart shattered for the fourth time. _Was it always going to happen this way?_

Before Boris can say his piece, Charkov walked outside, his voice calm and calculated. “Comrade Shcherbina, how surprising. Yet it’s time to be off, the State still needs you do more things for her. Let Comrade Legasov have his rest.”

Boris didn’t even have time to respond before Valery was nearly pushed inside the car, shutting its doors, and his face now looking up at him, eyes wild, unyielding.

_No. Not again._

He can only helplessly watch as the car drove away. Charkov now standing by his side. “No goodbyes will ever be enough, isn’t it?”

He walked away.

Boris met Ulana’s eyes from the distance. 

He stood there, brokenly crying, joining her tears.

5.

Boris woke up to the same bed, the same voice of Masha telling him the date. And then sat in the car with Valery. 

Before they can reach their destination, Boris ultimately reached out to hold Valery’s hands in his own. He intertwined their fingers.

Valery looked at him, his eyes shocked, but slowly, he can feel him melting into the touch. 

He held tighter to Boris.

“What's this?” he asked softly.

“I--”

Boris didn’t even know where to start. Valery might call him insane, or maybe he has some scientific explanation for everything that has been happening to him. He could tell all the things that have happened since living the same day five times, yet, he does not want him to know how he always failed _somewhat, in something,_ in all those tries. He resolved to do things better. 

Valery smiled, then squeezed again. “We’ll be fine, Boris. I hope.”

They arrived at Chernobyl. It was only when they broke the contact.

***

When they sat at the bench, after Valery giving him the absolution he didn’t deserve, he decided to ask him.

“Have you ever been in love, Valera?”

Valery looked shocked for a second, then blushed. “I don’t see the sense of the question with everything that has been happening.”

Boris hammered on, undeterred by Valery’s nonchalant answer. “Well, I am just making small talk to pass the time.” He gestured around them. He tried to act like it was nothing, but Valery looked at him as if he can see his inner turmoil. Valery has always seen through him.

“Well then, I think that was rather a deep question for such small talk.” Valery smiled.

“The first time I have been in love is when I was 7. Her name was Katya. She always brought me pastries that her mother's baked. They were delicious, so, I decided that she would make a great wife.”

“You have fallen in love with a girl when you were just a child, and just because she brings you pastries? She is not even the one who baked those.” Valery was close to laughing.

“Those pastries were good. And I confessed to her one day, at the playground of our town. She said she was flattered, but her mother said she is better off than to be with a son of a concrete worker. I’d never seen her after that. Last time I heard, she moved out of our neighborhood because her father, a career Party man, was elected in another district.”

Valery laughed, “How did you handle the heartbreak then?”

Boris smiled. “My father talked some sense to me. Then taught me the different types of concrete. That is how I got over my first heartbreak.” Valery laughed, a full on laugh. Then his face returned to a serious facade.

“Are there others you’ve loved, Boris?”

Boris turned to see Valery. His face open, curious. _Oh, Valera._

He didn’t break eye contact with him. 

“Yes.”

The caterpillar crawled upon his fingers. He spared a glance at it, then returned his eyes to Valery. 

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?”

***

The moment they escorted Valery out of the courtroom, Boris stood up, leaving a shocked Ulana, and followed the men.

“Comrade,” one of the suited men stood against his way. “The judges would like to speak to you with regards to the sentences of Bryukhanov, Dyatlov, and Fomin.”

Boris watched helplessly as Valery disappeared into the hallway. _He has to try harder._

***

When Valery walked out of the building, he went up to him again, desperate, _Charkov be damned._

The men were agitated but made no move to stop him. The determined and possibly murderous set of his face deterred them from standing on the way of the Deputy Chairman.

Before Valery could utter a word, he enveloped him in his arms, he whispered in his ear, “I’ll never stop, Valera..” _what it is that he will not stop, Boris couldn’t even find the answer for himself._

Valery never answered. He just hugged Boris tighter. 

Boris pressed a light kiss to Valery’s hair, something that an onlooker could pass up as just the brushing of lips in one’s hair as the other untangles himself from the embrace.

Valery was then escorted inside the car.

Boris soon found out, it wasn’t enough.

Ulana walked up to him when the car finally disappeared from his line of sight.

“Try again?”

Boris was feeling helpless. _I don’t even know anymore._

6.

Boris was beginning to lose track of the days. 

One day, he decided not to get up from his bed, ignored Masha’s voice. Ignored the calls from the telephone. Didn’t even attend the trial.

When night fell, he dialed a number he known too well.

_“Legasov?”_

Boris breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Valera.”

“Boris, I, I cannot talk to you right now, I can’t--” Valery’s voice choked up, as he was holding back tears.

“Valera, are you alright?”

“Why didn’t you attend the trial a while ago? Why would you do that? Did you give up on everything we fought for? Have you lost faith in me?”

“Valera, I can explain.”

Boris lied. He cannot explain to Valery why he decided not to go to the trial. He cannot say to Valery that he didn’t go because by the next day, and the next, and what comes after, he is _still going to be summoned to that fucking trial._

“I thought something happened to you, Ulana was also worried. It was when Charkov told me you were at home, refusing to meet anyone, and because you have the power to turn all those men around and go back the way they came, you making your stance clear that you don’t want to attend. Why?”

“Valera, I was--”

“No. They were right. She was right. I couldn’t do it by myself. I lied, Boris, I never told them! And now, nothing will change, another Chernobyl will happen all because I didn’t tell them. I lied, Boris. I fucking lied. Because I never found the strength to say it, not without you there.”

He listened to the sound of Valery crying. _This might be the worst one._

“I am no hero, yet they awarded me, they’ve even gave Kurchatov to me,” he laughs, pitiful, broken. “I am nothing but a liar congratulated for telling more lies. I am one of them, Boris. I’ve always have been.”

Boris can do nothing but stand there, listen as the man he cared for, fall into pieces.

_I didn’t mean to do this to you, Valera._

“I cannot live like this, goodbye, _Borja_.”

The line went dead. Boris stood nearly knocking the phone off the table.

He never heard the phone rang again. The night grew darker and colder. 

7.

“I know what you are, Valery Alexeyevich. You're a liar. You're a liar and a coward.”

He stood up, released all his anger from the night before, and punched Dyatlov in the face.

_The soldiers apparently have no idea I was going to do that,_ Boris thought hysterically. _Maybe I should punch him over and over again, because I’ll still be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next….._

He was dragged outside the courtroom after that. 

They still took away Valery that day. Ulana never saying anything to him this time.

8.

One time, he decided to take Valery from the men escorting him out of the building, and they just ran. 

“Boris, what’--”

“I’m taking you out of here, Valera. Fuck them, fuck the KGB. You don’t deserve any punishment because of what you’ve done.”

“Boris, you can’t run away from them.”

“He’s right you know, you cannot.”

Boris was faced with a suited man holding a gun, Charkov behind the agent. Eyes murderous. Unsmiling. _The game is over, Shcherbina._

Agents slowly began to surround them. 

“Comrade, stop this madness,” Charkov dispassionately addressed Boris. “Give Legasov to us, and no one shall be hurt.”

Boris laughed, _I am losing my head._ “NO! You are not going to take Valery away from _me.”_

Valery looked terrified, then desperate eyes begged Boris to listen to Charkov this time.

“Step away, Shcherbina, this is your final warning.”

“Over my dead body.”

Boris moved to attack the agent directly at his front, then he felt a bullet piercing his flesh from behind.

The world seems to slow down, and the voices muffled, when he just dropped down, feeling the blood pooling around his body.

His vision was cloudy when he saw Valery’s face above him, a warm hand caressing his cheek.

He didn't get to hear his name uttered by him, before he was taken away, shouts of angry men clouding and muddling everything up.

The world went dark after that.

9.

On another day, he kissed Valery after receiving his absolution. In the middle of an empty park, where anyone could see them, Boris didn’t care. Nothing else mattered, but the press of their lips, and everything else fell away when Valery kissed him back. 

When the need for air became great, they broke up, and looked into each other’s eyes. Boris’ hands on Valery’s cheeks, and his hands fisted on Boris’ coat.

He looked surprised, but happy. For the first time in all of this madness, Boris finally felt some sense of contentment and happiness. An unnamed emotion bubbling inside his chest.

Valery smiled, “I still have things yet to do.”

***

When they took Valery away, it hurts twice as more than before. The ghost of Valery’s lips haunted him as he watched the car drove away.

This time, it was he who cried into Ulana’s shoulders. Softly, Ulana wept with him. Her hands ghosting over his hair.

_“Try again, Boris.”_

10.

He woke up to Masha scuttering around, then rode inside the car with Valery. This time, he just went up ahead and grabbed Valery’s hand, never caring for the driver upfront.

“What’s this?”

“I just like holding your hand.”

Valery blushed, then smiled. Held on tighter.

This time it’s Boris who spoke up.

“We’ll be fine. I hope.” _God, how many times should I try?_

***

“My testimony in Vienna was a lie. I lied. To the world.”

Ulana breathed a sigh from his left. Whether it was relief or out of fear, he does not know. His whole world and attention are now in the palm of Valery’s hand. 

“I am not the only one who kept this secret. There are many. We were following orders. From the KGB, from the Central Committee. And right now, there are 16 reactors in the Soviet Union with this same fatal flaw. Three of them are still running less than 20 kilometers away... at Chernobyl. “

“Professor Legasov, if you mean to suggest the Soviet State is somehow responsible for what happened, then I must warn you-- you are treading on dangerous ground.”

Boris just wanted nothing more than to let them Valery speak. Then he would take him away, far away from this place, from all of these responsibilities and consequences. Far away from people who will judge. Far away from the fall. _Just let us live our remaining years in peace._

“I've already trod on dangerous ground. We're on dangerous ground right now! Because of our secrets and our lies. They are practically what defines us. When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, the debt is paid.”

The sentence this time never changes. It never did. 

***

He talked to Charkov before Valery is set off to be escorted back to his home in Moscow. Boris is not an idiot, he knows what the KGB plans to do to him after that testimony in the trial. He still cannot think of a way to make this all better, for both of them, _for Valera,_ yet he will do anything in his power to make it right this time.

_If I ever get this right, please, may this endless loop I am trapped in finally be broken._

“You could at least put him under my surveillance. If that will assuage you and the Party of any fears of Legasov defecting, then I will do it.” 

Charkov looked mildly amused by his idea. Then, his eyes became emotionless. “Do you know, Comrade Shcherbina, he said that you had no role in his testimony today?”

Boris was taken aback. He didn’t think Valery would still sacrifice himself for them, _for him,_ after all this time. Valery could have at least saved himself from experiencing this hell that the KGB is planning to put him into by adding another damned soul who didn’t need absolution, but he didn’t. Valery chooses to go into hell by himself. 

Boris never wanted him to. 

He could either try to make the situation less of a hell for him, or he would go down the hell with him altogether. Both seem fine, Boris only wanted to be with Valery again.

_If only I could kiss him again._

“He said that you and Khomyuk had no role to play in his whole ‘heroic speech.’ Pathetic. Does he really think he made a difference? Whatever he said today at the trial will not go out. All of those will die, together with him.”

Boris resisted the urge to punch Charkov.

“Put him under my surveillance. He will not be doing anything reckless under my watch.”

If Valery Legasov is determined to go to hell, then Boris would join him there.

“Oh no, Comrade Shcherbina. The KGB wouldn’t want to trouble you with more things to do. Besides, I hear you still have a lot of work to do after all of these, the mess with Chernobyl. The KGB will handle this, Comrade. I assure you, not even a fly could hurt our dear Professor Legasov.”

He then walked away, then, he saw the door opened, revealing Valery inside. 

They managed a second of eye contact, before Boris was asked to step outside now.

Valery’s eyes spoke of so much emotion. Boris couldn’t name them all.

***

There were no tears in Boris eyes when the car drove away. He felt devoid of emotion, when he thought he could finally swing things in his favor, Charkov took it from his hands, and stomped all over it, destroying whatever it is left inside Boris.

Boris sometimes just wanted to shoot himself in the head. Probably, he will also shoot Valery. _What is going to happen if I die here? Will I finally have him? Or we will forever be torn apart even after death._

“Are you waiting for hell to come upon itself, or for chaos to completely erupt, or for something to happen to Valery before you finally say it?”

Boris looked at Ulana, her tear stricken eyes boring into him. Yet she was talking to him with the same voice he used on Valery to convince him to tell the truth as early as when he was supposed to speak in Vienna.

“What?”

“We are all doomed to live in here, until you get it right.”

Before Boris can react to what she said, his vision darkened.

The abyss claimed him.

11.

“What do you know of time loops?”

He ambushed Ulana before the court could be in order. Valery walking towards them.

The memory of what she said came back to Boris, and now, if he wanted to make things right, he must know the enemy he is facing, how to finally put things in the order they were supposed to be. 

“What are you even talking about now, Boris?” 

Boris is unimpressed with her deflection. 

“Time loops. Time repeating itself. Is it possible? If it is, then tell me how do you break it, do you have to do something completely different, or you just have to let it flow like it was supposed to be? Answer me, Ulana.”

Ulana was opening her mouth when Valery came upon the two of them. “Boris. Ulana.”

Ulana shut her mouth sharply, gave a nod to Valery, then turned to Boris.

She put a hand in his arm. “Say it. Then both of you will find peace, and will be able to break the cycle.”

“What?” 

The judge arrived, and like a play in motion, everything else happened as they are.

***

He and Valery talked again on the bench, and even before he can give him that goddamn line about him being the man who mattered the most, he kissed him squarely in the lips. No warnings. No care. 

Then things eventually turned heated, as Boris is just desperately wanting to imprint this memory inside his head, _the feel of his hands on Valera’s face, Valera clutching onto him for dear life, his soft breaths warming up the side of his face._ He wanted to remember it all. And to add more intensity into it, in case he will never get out of this godforsaken time loop, he just wanted to create more memories of Valery to take upon him until he just died from radiation or him shooting himself in the head.

Whatever comes first.

“Boris’’, that whisper. It held so many promises.

“What do you want?” 

_Say it. Say it. Then both of you will find peace, and will be able to break the cycle._ Ulana’s words ringing in his head. 

_What it is that I am supposed to say. Does he also need to say it? If we say it, will this loop be broken, and we will finally get what we want? Or we will live on separate ways, as the universe is so keen on pointing out on us._

“I want you, Boris. I always have been.”

“Since when?”

“Since you got me five thousand tons of sand and boron, without questions."

Boris laughed. Then quickly pulled Valery to his feet.

“I know of a place. Come on, while we still have time.”

_Time._

***

In an abandoned military van, both of them knowing it could be contaminated, but they already have radiation in their veins, they couldn’t care nonetheless. They tried to make it the best they could, considering the circumstances, and by the end of it all, what mattered is they finally have each other.

He will forever remember Valery’s broken moans above him, panting straight to his ear, him whispering to _keep going, Valera, that’s it, good god._ His own hands wandering from Valery’s back then lower _, lower._ The heat and tightness of him enclosing into his own feels like a long lost feeling Boris wanted to have, yet never seen to have figured out for himself. He kisses Valery, swallowing his moans, their breaths intermingling with one another. _This. I want this to never end._

Sooner, the feelings become intense, and they both released it all, way past the point of no return, they’ve done it, and there is no shame and regret. Only bliss.

Valery was breathing against his neck. Boris reached up and touched his hair. He could stay in this moment forever. If he can have any time loop, he wants to have this. Nothing else matters, just him and Valery, in each others’ arms, like any other people who are in love, and wanted to feel it and show it.

Boris froze.

_Love._

_Is that what all of this is._

_He is in love with Valery._

_Is Valery even in love with him?_

Before all the thoughts can become straight, concrete ones, Valery moved and smiled sheepishly at him.

“We do have a trial to get back to.”

Boris’ world went off the axis.

***

Valery being led away this time hurt like being shot in the chest. Boris wanted to scream. What was he supposed to do more? Will all of this end the same way as it was before? Will he ever escape this torture? Or this is already his hell, for everything he did, because he wasn’t able to fight for Valery as well as he should be? 

Ulana looked at him.

“Why are you even crying if you knew it will all repeat itself in the morning?”

“The pain of an experience just doesn’t go away no matter how many times you go through it. It stays with you. You of all people, know that. No matter how many times you see him away, it still hurt, and now, given a chance to try and undo the mistakes whether it was done by you, or me, or by Valery, it's a tortuous cycle.”

“I have done everything I can think of, Ulana. What if there is truly no way out?”

Ulana fixed him a look, melancholy on her face, “Then we are damned to see Valery off for the rest of our days.”

She then again put a hand in his arm, “There is still something you haven’t done. Think about it. What is the thing that will both give you peace?”

Boris thought, but nothing came to his mind. Unless.

“How do I know if it worked? Will Valery also have to do it? What about you?”

Ulana smiled. “If there is one thing you should understand about everything here is that, all of these, they are all centered on the two of you.”

“How is that even possible?”

“Who knows? Time is a fickle thing. So does humans and emotions.”

12.

Boris woke up on the morning of July 18, 1987, Masha knocking on his door.

***

Boris thought long and hard on what Ulana had said. He glanced at Valery on his right. 

_What is the thing that will both give you peace?_

Can they even find peace now? They are just two men dying of radiation. Peace is something so foreign Boris never considered it until it came to him now. Whatever peace they are wanting, it is something so far fetched and hard to achieve that even him giving up his power, the Party be damned, will not assure him that they will still be able to get it.

Boris just wanted to release it all. To be free of it all.

***

“It is beautiful.”

Valery looked at him, the eyes of a tired man, yet, only in those eyes can Boris find solace in. 

Then it all made sense.

_I am an inconsequential man, Valera, that’s all I’ve ever been. I hoped one day I would matter, but I didn’t. I just stood next to people who did._

_They mistakenly sent us the one good man. For god’s sake, Boris. You were the one who mattered the most._

The truth hurts so much, it made Boris' chest constrict. He feels as if he’s been underwater for so long, and this is the only time he got a taste of oxygen.

He felt drowning, yet, it was only one man who can save him from the waves. From the abyss.

***

In a sunny, abandoned park, Boris kissed Valery for the third time.

Then whispered the words he has been holding inside for too long, Boris was surprised it was even there.

He whispered it against Valery’s lips, a broken sob escaping him. Valery kissed him, tears now flowing freely in his eyes. Then gave his answer.

***

In a sunny, abandoned park, within Chernobyl’s exclusion zone, Boris Shcherbina and Valery Legasov finally found their own semblance of peace.

***

“Let him finish!”

All those things they could’ve had. Those things they could’ve done. It will all be blown away by the wind. Gone. 

Boris would stay with Valery until the end of the line. _If we go down into this hell together, then that might be the second best thing._

_I am always trying so hard to save him._

Valery continued to look at him.

And then, Boris understood.

_Maybe Valery is the only one who can save himself._

_The only thing I can do is to stand back, and let him do what he does best. Telling the truth. Be his rock._

Valery took a look at Boris, and remembered. _Gratitude. Love. After all, it will always be love. And the truth._

He began to tell it.

  


***

When their eyes met, far away, Boris didn’t think it would be wise to risk Valery’s life and safety this time, whatever that needs to be finally said get exchanged in a matter of seconds.

_They don’t need words. All has been said._

_It happened._

_They mattered._

_And now it’s over._

The sentence never changed. It never did. 

***

Ulana looked at Boris. 

“Are you finally at peace?”

Boris stared straight ahead, until the car disappeared into the horizon.

“Time will tell.”

~~~

Boris had a fitful sleep. He didn’t even know how he managed to go home last night. He and Ulana were pitched out drunk, he has to see Ulana home after. He felt a slight twinge of pity for the KGB agent assigned to follow them. They went in circles around Moscow, it's a miracle his head is not spinning around.

He turned and found himself at his desk, at his study, in his home, wearing the same suit he wore yesterday.

_Am I?_

Masha came knocking, then entered, holding a tray containing a glass of water, and some tablets.

_Lifesaver._

“Good morning, sir. Here are some medicines for the incoming headache you’re feeling.”

Boris grunted, took the tablets. Masha went on drawing up the curtains. The sun was shining, birds chirping. _Valery._ Boris felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest. 

“What date it is, Masha?”

Masha looked at him, then continued on opening up the curtains.

“It’s July 19, 1987, sir.”

Boris looked outside the window. _Am I going to survive this? Will we be able to survive this?_

_Time will tell._

~~~

April 26, 1988

Valery Legasov knows they will try their best.

His time and work are now done.

In his final drag of the cigarette, he thinks about all the things he lost. The ones he gained. The things he learned. The lies. The truth. The people he met. The people he left. The ones who cared. The one who stood out. The one he _loved._

_Time will tell._

_Someday, Borja, we’ll have our time._

1:23 am.

The chair hit the floor.

~~~

Boris Shcherbina found peace only in three places, first, in that abandoned park where he kissed Valery for more than once, and then both of them whispering words only the two of them should hear.

Second, there, facing Valery Legasov’s grave. _I gave them hell until they gave you the respect you deserve, even only in your death. Finally, Valera, the revolution happened. You’ve mattered. You’ve always had._

The third one, is on his deathbed.

Four years. Valery _was always right._

_We never had the time._

_Will we be able to have it now?_

~~~

_“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise, you'll never understand what it's saying.”_

_―_ **_Sarah Dessen,_ ** [ **_Just Listen_ ** ](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1032901)

~~~

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final loop, loop no. 12, could diverge into two possibilities, meaning ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> (are you down for an alternate ending? please let me know)
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Let me know in the comments, and you can also shout out abuse at me here, or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine
> 
> Anyways, I have an exam, so I will be focusing on that now, so, I'll see you again next time! Paalam! *skitters away*


	2. Alternate Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, I am not sure for how this alternate ending would be taken.
> 
> But, at least they are together, right?

_ *** _

_ How about we risk it all to hell? _

__

_ A hell with you. _

  
  


*** __

"Let him finish!"

__

__

_ All those things they could’ve had. Those things they could’ve done. It doesn't have to fade away. They could still have it. _

__

Boris would stay with Valery until the end of the line. _ If we go down into this hell together, then that might be the second best thing. _

_ I am always trying so hard to save him. _

Valery looked at him

Boris made a decision.

__

Valery took a look at Boris, and remembered. _Gratitude. Love._ _After all, it will always be love. And the truth._

He began to tell it.

__

__

_ *** _

Boris does not want things to end. He will fight for it even if it will risk him still being stuck in this time loop.

__

He knows what they will do to Valery. The only thing he can do now, after he failed in convincing Charkov to make it less of a punishment for Valery, he is left with only one choice.

To go down with Valery into hell.

__

_ I will go with him anywhere. _

When they escorted Valery out of the courtroom after his testimony, as soon as his eyes saw Charkov, Boris cornered him.  _ No running away. _

_ To hell with our lives. _

Ulana was right. Boris couldn't care any less. He just wanted to be with Valery again.

"Commander Charkov. I was wondering if I may have a word with you? In private."

Boris faced bore no room for arguments.

Charkov raised one eyebrow, otherwise, he didn't say anything. He walked towards the side, and dismissed the man following him.

"Yes, Comrade Shcherbina. It seems we may have bumped into certain problems. Concerning our dear Professor Legasov. Apparently, he is living in some delusion where he considers himself the unsung hero of Chernobyl. Could you even believe it? He thinks he is better than us. But, he is one of us, Boris. He always has been. He'd done some questionable things in the past."

Boris knew what Charkov is saying. He read Valery's file.

Yet, he was the one who made everything possible in the liquidation efforts done at Chernobyl. He was the man who made all the difference. And Boris loved him. Loves him still, whatever he is, whatever he has done.

Boris knew he is far too scarred and damaged to ever fall in love, or to be loved by a saint.

"If you think you are making a valiant effort in trying to save him, then you are sorely mistaken, Shcherbina. You're not saving a hero. You're just saving a dying man who forgot who he is"

Boris fisted his hands. He can't win this by breaking Charkov's face. He has to do this in the game he plays.

Boris will have to play. And he must win. For him. _ For Valera. _

"If you are taking him to exile, or keen on killing him off the records, do the same with me."

Charkov stared at him. Face unreadable.

Boris continued on.  _ If you go down, we go down together _ .

_ Both of us, we'll turn the hell they put us into our own makeshift paradise. _

"You are planning on erasing him. For what? For telling the truth? It was his responsibility to do it. Chernobyl happened because we all let it happen. We all have a part that we played into that disaster. We are as guilty as Bryukhanov, Dyatlov, and Fomin. Yet, he is not asking for us to stand trial. All he wanted are reforms of all RBMK reactors in the Soviet Union. That is what all he asks. Yet you rewarded him with what, threatening him and his family and friends, threatening him to be shot by your men.

If you are keen on erasing him, and everything Chernobyl truly is, then erase me also. Who knows what version of your 'truth' will I utter at any given time, especially now I'm dying. People values tales told from dead men's lips."

Charkov only stared.

Boris can feel his sweat under the coat.

He didn’t stop.

“You must know, Valery Legasov is not the only man who led the Chernobyl commission. I was the man first assigned into it. If you don’t want the truth to be out, then remove me also. He is not the only one here who holds the truth. He is the only one brave and smart enough in the three of us to understand everything that has been going on, and has the capacity and strength enough to tell it straight to the faces of every judge, scientist, career Party men, and citizen of this town.”

Charkov slowly smiled.

Boris stopped whatever mid-sentence rant he is going. 

  
  


“Do you know, Shcherbina, he said that you had nothing to do with what he just said today?”

A single sentence is enough to knock off the air from Boris’ lungs.

_ Why would he do that? _

  
  


“Why would he do that, indeed?”  _ Charkov can read minds? _

Charkov looked nonplussed with his inner turmoil. He continued on.

“I know, Boris. I know why.”  _ The name shift. _

Boris looked at Charkov, torn between asking him, or choking out the answers from him.

“It was because of you, Boris. He did it all for you. How does that make you feel? Knowing Legasov would go to hell and back because this time, it’s personal.”

Boris felt his own world knocked off its axis. 

_ Why, Valera? Why are you always keen on saving others? Are you so sure you can save your own mind? From Charkov? From them? _

_ From yourself? _

  
  


“It’s not rocket science, really, we have eyes and ears everywhere. Even at this trial, we have them. Maybe we didn’t follow you when you stormed out of the courtroom, that cough getting the best of you, but we did see how Legasov’s eyes followed you out the room. And we did notice how his resolve changed the moment you two entered the courtroom again. We have all intel of you two as both of you go with your duties at Chernobyl. It’s not really hard to connect the dots, Boris. War makes even the two most different individuals find a common ground and affinity for one another. And this thing with Chernobyl, it’s kind of like a war, no?”

Boris cannot comprehend whatever Charkov has just said. All he wanted to do is to just take Valery away from this man, away from this place, keep him away, because they will use this, Charkov will use this, he will use this as ammunition to sentence both him and Valery to their deaths.

“Valery Legasov was only willing to tell the truth when it was you, the Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers, is the one  _ dying  _ from radiation sickness. That is when all of these,” Charkov gestured around them with both of his hands, “became personal. And we all know how men act when its personal and concerns both their hearts and minds.”

  
  


“Boris Shcherbina, you were  _ loved. Loved by Valery Legasov.” _

  
  
  


_ How dare he? _

_ Will he? _

_ Are we both going to die today? _

  
  


_ Maybe that will be better, so we can finally escape this world so desperate on separating us. _

“Are you going to do something about it?” Boris looked at Charkov intently.  _ If he is going to die today, he will not give the satisfaction to Charkov by being terrified about it. _

Charkov smiled. Then turned serious. “Men always fall prey to their follies every once in a while. That question should be asked at you. Well, Boris, are you going to do something about it?”

  
  


***

“Whatever Valery is paying for what he had done, do the same to me.”

“That will not be enough, Boris. Both of you also committed a crime against everything the State adheres to. You are both damned to a life of imprisonment, and conversion therapy. Imagine Boris, the Deputy Chairman being subjected to such treatments, all because  _ he couldn’t stop himself from loving a man. _ ”

“STOP!”

Charkov didn’t even flinch. He just looked at Boris impassively.

“You are a career Party man, Boris Shcherbina, first and foremost. Emotions should not run through and dominate in your veins. It will only make you weaker.”

Boris was taking deep breaths. He is running out of options. 

“What price are you willing to pay for him, Boris?”

Boris looked at him. Then hardened his face.

_ It’s about time I make the sacrifice. _

  
  


“Denounce me. Bring down the reputation of Boris Shcherbina. Erase me.”

“That cannot be done. You still have a lot to do for the State, comrade. The General Secretary still needs you. As much as I wanted to eliminate you for your transgressions, I must not overlook your skills, connections, and duties to the Party. You are an invaluable man, Boris.”

“Liar. I know I am replaceable. I am easily disposed of in favor of someone who can serve the State better. “

“Yet, we have to consider the present circumstances.”

_ Tick, tock, tick.  _

Suddenly, Charkov smiled. Then put a hand on Boris’ arm.

Boris was repulsed by the touch. But he has no energy to move away. As if Charkov took all of his strength away, just by words alone.

  
  


“You said you are willing to pay the same price Legasov will also be paying?”

Boris nodded.  _ If you go down, we go down together. _

  
  
  


“How about paying the same amount, albeit in a different currency?”

  
  


***

When their eyes met faraway, Boris only has one thought inside his head.

_ Both of us, we'll make the hell they put us into our own makeshift paradise. _

_ We will try.  _

As the car drove away, he turned to Ulana, eyes filled with grief and some sense of relief.

“Forgive me, Ulana.”

Ulana never said anything, just hugged Boris. Then whispered words into his shoulder.

  
  
  


“Time will tell everything else.”

  
  


~~~

July 20, 1987

Valery Legasov was calmly reading through, and inspecting the newly bought cassette tapes, when a knock from the door barged into his thoughts.

He immediately put the tapes under the drawer in this desk, and went to answer the door.

What stood behind was something he never expected to see, since the day of the trial.

  
  


~~~

Boris was hugging a crying Valery, calmly explaining to him, the hell they now both reside in, thanks to Charkov.

  
  


_ “You are only allowed to meet with Valery Legasov under two strict and specific conditions: One, it will happen once every three months. Two, each meeting will last for up to 2 hours only, no exceptions, and will be seen through by a KGB agent on duty for the day permitted. _

_ Your visiting days will be determined by me, and you will be escorted to and from Legasov’s apartment. The only mercy I’m giving you is that Legasov’s apartment remains unbugged. Continue your work as Deputy Chairman, fulfill your duties as the Party sees you should do, no other soul shall hear any word of this agreement, even Khomyuk. We will know if she knows, she is under our constant surveillance now.  _

_ Going against these specific conditions will result in immediate termination of this agreement, then both you and Legasov will be sentenced for the crimes you committed against the State, and will be punished as seen fit. KGB will see to it, and will not hold back.” _

_ Charkov walked away after saying all of that to Boris, leaving him outside, the cold air of Moscow hitting his face. A KGB agent was waiting behind him, car on the ready. _

  
  
  


“Valera. We must make of our two hours.”

Valery hugged him tighter, then crashed his lips against him.

  
  


~~~

Charkov truly crafted this hell so well.

Two hours once every three months  _ is not fucking enough.  _ And each meeting they have, they can clearly see the radiation bringing them lower than they already are.

Each meeting is filled with tears, kisses, warm skin, cigarette smoke, Valery’s quite laughs, Boris grunts,  _ their intermingled moans,  _ Sasha taking turns between Valery or Boris’ lap, and the occasional discussion of the future. Of the ticking clock.  _ Five years. _

One meeting, Valery told Boris about the tapes.

And his plans of suicide.

  
  


“Will we ever find peace, Valera?” was the only thing Boris asked to him after that talk.

Valery smiled, but with tears in his eyes, took Boris' hands and enveloped them into his own.

  
  


“Time will tell.”

  
  


~~~

April 26, 1988

Valery has hidden the tapes, now, he must think hard. Hard enough.

He looked at the calendar.

_ Charkov really did make sure the three-month mark will not fall today. How poetic. _

He then saw a stack of journals at his desk. They were given by Boris, saying he got them from someone he knows at the Kremlin who has a daughter at the Kurchatov Institute. But when he opened one of them, a small note falling with only the words:  _ “thank you, for telling the truth”,  _ his heart swelled.

_ Ulana. _

He went over those, began reading, never minding the passage of time.

1:23 am.

He decided to wait for a while more.

  
  


~~~

Soon enough, the torture of seeing each other deteriorate, and having no power to help the other took the toll on each of them. Valery knows it won’t be long. Boris knows it also.

_ If you go down, we go together. _

  
  
  


When Valery passed away, Boris was not there. Charkov ultimately made sure of that.

  
  


~~~

The revolution happened, just like a spark of fire lighting up an entire city. Hell finally descended upon the men inside the Kremlin, forcing them to action. Little by little, men of power fell down, and became just men. Boris Shcherbina made sure all debts are paid. Whatever the currency. Whatever way possible. 

Legasov’s name became a mantra. An outcry. And from the ashes of a man buried to be forgotten, he rose again. 

  
  


~~~

Boris Shcherbina passed away in the year 1990. He died alone, because Valery Legasov first succumbed to the death sentence of radiation earlier; for he is exposed to it in a much higher dose than what he lets on. 

  
  


But this time, both men died in peace, even within the hell they both fallen into. 

  
  


_ They seemingly never had enough time. _

  
  
  
  


_ Will they be able to have it now? _

  
  
  


_ fin.  _

  
  


~~~

_ Poets trying to write _

_ We don't know how to rhyme _

_ But, damn, we try _

_ But all I really know _

_ You're where I wanna go _

_ The part of me that's you will never die _

~~~

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: A recommended song after reading this chapter, or during (whatever floats your boat) is the song “Always Remember Us This Way” by Lady Gaga. From the movie “Shallow”. So you cannot hear the sound of your own crying, or your heart breaking (if you ever had one sksks). Yup. The verse above is taken from it. 
> 
> I would like to express my sincere gratitude to the people in the discord of hell, esp to @annelia (The Pripyat Remembers), @mariposa (mariposa ft. DJ Dyatlov), and @Feanope (Charkov Sends His Regards) for that wonderful discussion about Charkov and how he will unleash hell in different forms when it comes to Boris and Valery. Your ideas gave me so much material to work on, and boom, this alternate ending is born. Y’all guys are amazing! <3 :))
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Let me know what you think (what ending is better, or honestly, which loop should be the ending) in the comments. You can also discuss with me and/or shout out abuse at me on Tumblr: @cocomoraine.
> 
> Suffer in hell now, fic. I have an exam to take. 
> 
> Till next time! Paalam! *skitters away*


End file.
